Shot of Death

On second thought, maybe two beers and a shot of vodka orange juice wasn't the best pre-train beverages to be consuming before heading back from Kiev to Odessa.  Not only did I narrowly miss my train home, but the liquor wasn't even enough to break the 6AM bedtime I was accustomed to!  Either way, I had a great time at the doctor's bar, known as Palata #6.  One of my best friends, Tristan, asked what everyone's favorite European city was, and I wrote Kiev, mostly just because of this bar.  Just take a look:

Getting into my straight jacket

Having second thoughts

"Do I really have to be in this dude's lap??"

Freedom! 

What a ridiculously amazing bar.  If I ever opened a bar in the states, it would be hospital themed as well.  I can see it now, "Papa, I know you always hoped I would take over the family business by becoming a doctor... but how would you feel about turning your clinic into a bar!!  That would be much cooler."

Show me sexy!

I get the question all the time here, "Erika, why are you smiling?"  I tell them because I am happy; I am an American; It's just what I do.  I know it's easy as an American to always wonder why Eastern European women look so angry all the time.  I stipulated maybe the sour faces can be attributed to the frequent wearing of heeled shoes; I tried to wear a pair to work last week and am still nursing my raw feet.  I suppose during Soviet times, people just did not smile in pictures.  It was a stern time - happiness is found in the collective; individuals have no right to smile in pictures.  All in all, Eastern Europeans just hate fake smiles.  There is one thing they do very well - sexy.


I went to the doctor bar in Kiev with an Australian girl, and the totally amazing girl who works at the hostel, Natasha.  As we waited for our drinks and food to come, we took some silly pictures on my camera, when we started to discuss why it was that Westerners just cannot do "sexy" poses.  I am embarrassed to put these pictures online, but they were just too great to pass up.    

Silly pictures begin

Natasha tells us, put one finger in your mouth and be serious.  This is a much harder task than it sounds.  It's just silly.  Really. Try it.  So we give it a go.

Not bad for a first try, but we are told to try harder

Very much not amused by our inability to look sexy

This was one of the most hysterical photo shoots I have ever done.  We were dying of laughter.  The best line of the night came from Natasha.  Upon closer examination of the pictures, she simply said, "OK, you can die now."


Thanks, Natasha.  We are happy to have your blessings for a peaceful rest.  


So we try again, and again.  Unfortunately, we just started trying way too hard.  As you can see in the below picture.  

Are we trying to hard?

It really does look like we are dying.  Our distorted faces offended Natasha, so we decided to just give it up and leave it to the professionals. 

Juxtaposition between East and West

The images below might be disturbing.  Proceed with caution.

So there you have it - Westerners just don't have a natural affinity to do sexy poses.  It's not in our blood.  I guess I better stick to what I am good at and smile.

We can still be friends.

You are the coolest African I have met this entire trip!

My first night in Kiev, I was invited by the rest of the hostel guests at TIU Kreshatik to share a home cooked dinner.  We had amazing borsht, salad, rice and pasta.  As soon as the bottle of vodka came out, the true friendships began.  Around the table sat an American girl, a Greek man, two Turkish guys, a Japanese dude, a Ugandan man, and two Ukrainian chicks.  I am still amazed that at any given point, everyone sitting at a table will be able to speak English; it really makes my life much simpler.  We had such a great time over dinner that we decided we should all go out to the bars together.  After picking up a new addition to our group, a British guy, we were on our way. 

International Relations featuring Borsht and Vodka

Kiev is notorious for its deep metro lines.  Claudia and I joked that you could get so much done on your way to work, just on the metro escalator.  We must have looked like such ridiculous tourists, because we took hundreds of pictures that night, many of them on the escalator.

Metro Photo Shoot!

Work it, Boys!

I had such an amazing time, hanging out with "Sushi," "Dark Chocolate," and everyone else (for the record, those were the names they gave themselves, and I don't have to tell you who is who!). 

Erika to the Ugandan: "You are the coolest African I have met this entire trip!"

Ugandan: "Wow, thank you.  What a compliment.  You are so kind."

Erika: "Actually, you are the only African I have met this entire trip."

Pause.... roar of laughter on both sides

Dancing to the live music

We danced on tables at the bar.  Well, actually "Sushi" did and this might be one of the only times I passed up table dancing.  We ordered towers of beer that I haven't seen since China and all around just had a grand old time.    

Beer Tower 1 of 3

Sushi on the Table

Our group got broken up into multiple factions when deciding what to do next.  Artyom and I wanted to meet our other friends at a different pub, but it seemed like others wanted to go to a Disco, excuse me, "night club." So we went our separate ways.  We sat at the pub for about an hour, before my bad habit of falling asleep at the bars kicked in.  I was exhausted, having spent the last night barely sleeping on the train from Odessa.  Jason and Artyom convinced me that all I needed was some vodka and Red Bull.  *Sigh*  I really did not want any Red Bull, since I had to be up by 8:30AM the next day to watch the Soccer tournament my kids were playing in and it was already pushing 2:30AM.  Somehow, I was convinced to go to Vodka Bar, which was on the way home.  Here is when things started to get ugly.

Right about when things started to get ugly

Besides a few beers, I hadn't really been drinking, and did not plan on starting at 3AM, but I did take one Red Bull to keep me awake.  I had to suffer through the bad techno remixes, and one must really have a good attitude to survive them, so I figured one Red Bull wouldn't hurt. At this point, I had with me Jason, Artyom and the British dude who had tagged along.  All was going fine, until the Brit got too drunk, annoying and apologetic.   You know the kind: gets too drunk, and insists on apologizing about everything.  He also tried to smoke a wet cigarette that he dropped on the floor which we all chastised him for.  He was getting a little strange, and it was already past 5AM when I put my foot down and insisted that I was walking home, with or without everyone.  

I just love this picture.

Artyom was nice enough to make sure the Brit didn't lose his jacket or money, or me, cause I was ready to just walk home and ditch the guy.  We went and bought water in the 24 hr kiosk, but after one 5 minutes of holding Artyom's water, the Brit ran off and apparently started playing soccer with the bottled water somewhere on the street.  This story isn't even worth my breathe, but basically, he was drunk, annoying and almost found himself on the street that night because Artyom almost kicked him out of his hostel.  Artyom and the Brit had a long conversation which went something like this:


Brit: "You just don't understand.  My life is so hard.  I am 32, and I live with my mother.  She doesn't even know I am in Ukraine right now."
Artyom: "Um... actually, my mother is dead.  And well, so is my brother."
Brit gushes through flood of tears: "My life is so hard."


When staying in a hostel, sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.  This British guy apologized, cried, and promised to behave.  He put himself on voluntary prohibition and is now restricting himself from going out at night.  Well done.

First you work, then you see museum

A few days ago, I was told that the soccer team at "The Way Home" was traveling to Kiev to play in a tournament, and I jumped at the opportunity to invite myself.  I made a quick phone call to my friend, Artyom, in Kiev to make sure I would have friends in town, and a hostel bed to sleep in and next thing I know, I am on an overnight train to Kiev.  

I arrive in Kiev bright and early on Saturday, ready to tackle the city yet again.  My plan was to hang out with the kids during the day, and enjoy the city at night; beyond that, I really had no idea what the schedule really was.  In fairness to my organization, they did give me a break down before I can, but it was in Ukrainian and I figured it wasn't like I was going to tell them, "Actually, I don't want to do that," so I figured I would just roll with the punches.  

After checking into my hostel, I met up with our team at their hotel in the suburbs, and then followed them to an unknown destination.  I was fine not asking too many questions, but there was one thing that really did confuse me.  I was told we were going on excursions/museum trips, yet some of the kids were carrying rakes.  I just had to ask why.  What I got was, "We are going to the lake to pick up trash, then going to a museum."  Fair enough.

We show up at a lake, and it turns out that one of our excursions is a tour of a local park while collecting trash.  I have to give it up for these street kids, UNICEF really makes them earn ever donation they get.  We were handed white cloth gloves, and a trash bag.  "No trash pick up tool or rubber gloves?" I thought.  Nope, our task was to successfully cleanup a lake using thin little gloves and not cut ourselves with a broken bottle of booze.  It was actually a lot of fun - our group is really energetic so we had a great time laughing, and pretending we were at a shop as we fish menu items from the water.

Collecting trash by a local lake

The girls-  Alina & Lena

Alpha Love!

Good work, team! 

After posing next to all the trash we collected, we had earned our tour of Kiev's Football Stadium.  We all drove downtown together, and had a great time walking around the stadium.    I posed as assistant photographer, and took pictures of everyone who wanted a shot.  I suppose now everyone will want to be my friend on "vkontakte.ru" which is the Russian equivalent of Facebook, so they can see their pictures.  

Our Team!

I will try to gather my thoughts enough to write about my night last night, but seeing as how I only got 2 hours of sleep, you can imagine how long my night was.  Tomorrow, I will attempt these feat - now, I must prepare myself for yet another night.

  

Tonight you will learn to drink like a Russian

I was a little depressed after Claudia departed for the airport; I am not going to lie.  We had a fabulous time getting into adventures and getting into and out of trouble.  I spent most of the day after she left sleeping and trying to get rid of my now lingering cough.  It seems now, that I was resting and preparing for the night ahead.  I finally had arranged an evening with Crazy Dave from the Ukraine.

About six months ago, I told Mark that I was planning to volunteer and tour Ukraine.  His initial reaction was, “Oh my God, you should try to find Crazy Dave from the Ukraine.”  A little skeptical about his infamous title, I inquired with caution.  Dave was apparently a longtime best friend of Mark’s brother who moved to Ukraine shortly after the fall of communism, was a pioneer in the Internet Ukrainian bride industry, and all around legend.   After a few years of misadventures in the Siberian Mountains, he got married and started a family.  He sounded interesting, so Mark said he would ask his brother if he could get in touch with him online.  We soon thereafter became Facebook friends; Crazy Dave was excited to hear when I would be in Kiev so he could show me the ropes. 

Me and Crazy Dave

Olga, me and Timur

After many failed phone calls and boched planning, we finally had arranged an evening together.  He invited his lovely Russian wife, Olga, and one of his best friends.  We blasted the Black Eyed Peas as we sped down the roads to Kiev’s downtown.  Dave told him that the Black Eyed Peas once came to Kiev and he and his wife were invited to the after party because they were also former residents of Sonoma County.  How amazing is that!  We made our way to Art Club 44, a bar that hosts local bands trying to get big.  Olga and I chatted and bonded very quickly and I was feeling very good about the evening, until it was suggested that we go elsewhere because the music was too loud and the crowd too young and drunk.  We left our half consumed beers on the bar and set foot towards our next destination.

Art Club 44

We went to a very cute home style restaurant that had a pet piglet.  We sat down began to peruse the menu.  Not necessary.

Dave’s Friend: “Do you like vodka?”

Erica: “Of course.”

Dave’s Friend: “Then tonight, we teach you to drink like a Russian.”

I know I had an earlier post about only drinking vodka with little snacks and food known as zakuski, but I had no idea how thoroughly regimented shot taking can be.  We got our pickled garlic, cabbage, tomatoes, and pickles and started the process.  The first two shots we taken relatively quickly, with barely enough time to start a new conversation topic.  We toasted to our meeting and looked each other in the eyes as we cheered.  Then we settled down a bit, letting the vodka slowly make its rounds through my body.  The third shot was a shot in honor of the ladies present and is taken about 20 minutes after the first two.  Olga and I stayed seated until the men stood with their shot glasses In hand.  Third shot down.  Maybe around this point, I started to realize that my alcohol tolerance did not include vodka, as the entire time I had been sticking to beer rather than hard liquor.  After hanging out for a little while longer, it was decided that it was time to drive home.   I wish I could still drink like a college kid, because I would have loved to see where the drinking game led.  After all, I only made it to round three. It’s like a secret society, I could discover their secrets, but then they would have to kill me.  Murder weapon of choice: alcohol poisoning.   

Fail, in the best possible way

Claudia and I took a cab to a dance club that our hostel host recommended.  Upon arrival, we realized it was colder than our cute outfits could handle, it was raining, and there was an extremely long line.  We quickly decided that we were definitely not waiting in line for a club that may or may not even let us in, especially one playing notoriously bad techno.  After scouting out the entrance, I decided that Claudia and I should just go to the front and speak English.  It was worth a shot.  They were doing extreme “Face Control” that night, meaning they look at you like you were a piece of meat in a super market and decide if you are good enough to eat.  The bouncer basically just told us he doesn’t speak English and turned his back.  We are from California, we don’t stand in lines.  There ended our escapade out to the dance club in Kiev.

We cabbed back to the main boulevard and found a brewery called Шато (Shato or possibly Chateau?).  This was Claudia’s last night in Ukraine, so we decided to go big.  When our waiter came by, we told him that we each wanted one of the brewery’s specials.

Erica: “Give me the самый большый! 2 Liters” 

Waiter: “That size is for two people.”

Erica: “So….”

Waiter: “Okay, 0.5 liters.”

Claudia and I laughed so hard after he walked away.  It seems like this entire trip, people have given us strange looks when we order way more food than they are used to seeing girls eat.  This waiter just flat out told me, “No.”  It’s like when you order Chinese takeout and you get your meal with four sets of chop sticks.  Fail, in the best possible way.

Keeeev!

We successfully made it to the capital of Ukraine, Kiev.  Our hostel is clean, the host is nice and the city itself is gorgeous.  I love walking around this city with Claudia.  She has a connection to this city that I will never have: her grandparents fell in love after meeting at the Kiev University many years ago.   Maybe someday I will retrace my own roots, possibly after the drug and gang wars have subsided in Mexico and Guatemala.  Until then, I will enjoy this Eastern European culture.

Kiev is a beautiful city full of elaborate churches, classic architecture and cobble stone streets.  We did a walking tour of the city and made our way past the following sites.  That night, we classed it up by going to the ballet.

Night View of the Street outside of our Hostel

Side Street View

Outside the Fortress

Classy Night at the Ballet

Entrance to Lavra Caves

The ballet tickets were purchased that morning and were under $3 each.  Men, take note that you can wine and dine your lady and live like royalty in this country.  The Lavra Caves under the cathedrals were an unbelievable site.  We purchased candles at the entrance, and made our way into the dimly lit tunnels.  There were icons, shrines, and cases that held many different remains of holy saints.  I didn't really appreciate seeing the shriveled hands although I do have great respect for the people who travel all over the world to pray there.  Claudia told me that went the Soviets came to take the saints away, the loaded trucks did not work.  As soon as the unloaded the trucks and returned the bodies to their resting places, they started up again.  That must have freaked the Soviets out, right?

What I find most interesting about this country is that it constantly reminds me why I studied International Political Economy at UC Berkeley.  My emphasis in Soviet History and Politics was not just so I could justify the incorporation of my fur hats and Soviet belt to all the themed parties I attended.  I know it can be annoying that I actually have an answer to the “Why are you studying Russian?” question.  I study Russian so I can learn more about this part of history that is often glazed over or overshadowed by other tragic events and totalitarian regimes.  History is a funny thing; it is only history if someone studies it or cares to talk about it.  To me, studying the effects of the Soviet Union on populations like those of Ukraine is extremely important.  

Famine Memorial

On a lighter note: Do not order hot chocolate at a Cafe in Ukraine.  You will get a cup of, literally hot chocolate.